Getting Hurt For The First Time

When you write about it having never lived it, you have to imagine it to some extent. You can read documented experiences, and you can talk to people who have lived, and are living, it; but at the end of the day you have to rely on empathy and compassion in order to imagine what it’s like to have to think about what you say, and to whom, for fear of the wrong people finding out about who you are. For 34 years, I’ve lived a life of privilege – caucasian, male (seemingly cisgender), middle class – I could walk into virtually any room and ‘fit.’ I’m still privileged by my genitalia and the colour of my skin, but after coming out as Queer on August 2nd, the privilege afforded to me by my status as cisgender and heterosexual disappeared overnight.

My writing, speaking, and working for change doesn’t pay my bills, at least not yet, so I make my living in a blue collar industry. The industrial site I work at brings with it a lot of challenges for any LGBTQ+ people who find themselves employed there. First, it’s located in what I can confidently say is the most homophobic/transphobic community I have ever personally encountered, and second the nature of blue collar culture doesn’t always blend well with the world outside of it. While there is an increasing number of blue collar workers becoming aware of and engaged in social issues, the traditional way of doing things has been to focus on making a living and not to bother with what the rest of the world has going on. The lack of interest in learning about issues keeps people in a state of perpetual ignorance, and the biases that are fostered by that ignorance only grow stronger. There is an inability, in much of the blue collar world, to see what harm is being done and so homophobia, transphobia, racism, etc are rampant. More than just outright hatred, it’s ingrained with words like “cocksucker” that just roll of the tongue as if there’s nothing wrong with it at all … and to them, there isn’t. I have always been uncomfortable in that place. I’ve never really belonged there. As soon as I came out, that place became dangerous.

I haven’t come out at work, at least not in any substantial way. I want to live authentically, and my confrontational nature often tells me to just go for it, but I will have to be willing to accept a fair amount of physical risk first. There are just three people at that place who I have trusted enough to tell, but on August 4th, just two days after coming out here on outspokenally.com, I wound up in an argument and told the wrong person. What happened did not turn physical, but made me feel attacked all the same. For the very first time in my life, I was made to feel deformed in some way – as if who I am is unacceptable. I objected to a homophobic statement and received the ignorant response “straight guys don’t defend gays.” I answered with “well, you’re wrong. And what makes you think I’m a straight guy?” From there the conversation took a proverbial nose dive and I was left feeling dehumanized. No matter how insignificant or stupid this man’s “opinion” was, it still hurt.

Do I now know what it feels like to be physically beaten and to live in fear as I turn every corner? No. But I have been hurt for the first time. I used to think it must be like getting bullied. I was bullied as a kid, hurt by the words and jeers of others, but bullies never zeroed in on my personal identity. Bullies made stuff up, they never took who I am and tried to crush it. For the first time in my life, I have been told that who I am is wrong, that I am not this way, that my identity is fake. He told me that I am responsible for turning kids gay, making little boys think they’re girls, and vice versa (it’s all the same to him). He called me a monster. I answered him with the truth. I told him he needed to learn a few things or he would continue to make himself look like a jackass. I told him his comments hurt. He looked me in the eye, with an arrogant grin, and said “I don’t care” … and the depth of what he meant was clear.

“I don’t care.” It’s obvious that he doesn’t care that I was hurt by what he said, but there was a lot more to what he meant. You see, I had brought up heterosexism (not the actual word, but I spelled it out for him). I had told him how misinformation and hatred cause homelessness, substance abuse, and suicide. I had brought up the violence committed against LGBTQ+ people daily. When he said “don’t care,” he said a lot. He said he didn’t care that I was hurt, didn’t care that his majority is oppressive and thinks it should continue to be, didn’t care that hatred is ruining lives, didn’t care that hatred is ending lives. “I don’t care” meant that I could be attacked and killed just for who I am, and he would think it was my fault.

I chose to write this today because I firmly believe in the power of unity. I believe in the power of standing together. Outspoken Ally was started with an understanding of the harm being done and a desire to end it. I chose to write this to bare my own experience, my own vulnerability, because I need people to stand with me as well. I still have it good, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be hurt, and the relative security in which I live is jeopardized by this hatred; not to mention my own mental health. I also wrote it for those who still feel alone. There are always allies, always people like you, always people who can help.

Getting hurt for the first time sucked, but it taught me a valuable lesson. The progress being made for equality (ie: marriage) is all centralized within a pop culture framework. People outside of that are seeing what’s going on, making up their own theories about it, and then when they come across people like me, they unload those theories as accusations toward a person they have invented and put my face on. It’s so important that we confront this. Change has happened because enough people decided that although they would be attacked, they would not be victimized. We have to decide the same!

 

Be Outspoken

Have you ever noticed an aversion to people who speak out about any one thing for a long time? The aversion to Feminism, for example, or the vitriol toward LGBTQ+ advocates and activists and our so-called “Gay Agenda.” Some people get so upset when they are confronted with the same issues again and again, and a lot of us see this and say “yeah, maybe I’ll back off a bit. It’s not really my place to preach at them anyway.” I’m here to tell you to step back up. 

Advocacy is all about being outspoken. As advocates, we want to see change, and that doesn’t happen by staying silent. The people who are sick of hearing it are generally tired of having their bigoted views challenged. This is their problem, and it means our efforts are working – those who complain are at least thinking about it, right? Don’t back down because you don’t want to offend. We are, after all, fighting against offensive things. We are fighting against ideas that oppress, ideas that stifle, ideas that kill. We have to voice our opposition to this. We have to be outspoken. 

The first Outspoken Ally poster was posted to Facebook just a few days ago (see the ‘New To Outspoken Ally’ page for the link). The single message, in red, on the simple poster is “Be Outspoken.” My hope is that people share it, maybe even print it, and proudly display it on their Facebook walls. “Be Outspoken” encourages advocates to have a voice, but it also shows closeted and frightened LGBTQ+ people that they are not alone. There are people who will fight for them, and those people are rallying to “Be Outspoken.” We need not worry about those who are tired of hearing about this. Our concern should be with those who are at-risk of suicide, bullying, and murder. 

Did you now that since January 1, 2015, a trans woman has been killed every 29 hours? Did you know that there are thousands of LGBTQ+ teens sitting in church on Sunday morning terrified, because they know they are surrounded by a family of people who would disown them if they knew the truth? Did you know that as violent crime drops in North America, violent attacks against the LGBTQ+ community are becoming more extreme? Did you know that those news stories you hear, about politicians trying to pass anti-gay laws and promoting conversion therapy, are not only disheartening, but extremely oppressive to those they affect? If the only thing holding you back from being outspoken is that you don’t want to draw the ire of these people, I say forget about them and go for it. They may get upset, but they are on the losing side of history.  You can’t go wrong fighting for humanity, fighting for what’s right. Be Outspoken.     

An Outspoken New Year

At the end of every year, we tend to sit back and think about what the past year has brought. I personally like to think about what progress we have seen, what good has come of humanity’s interaction, and what we must do to improve ourselves. As we rapidly race toward the end of 2014, I have mixed feelings about the past 12 months.

In 2014, we saw issues that were once talked about in isolated social pockets and interest groups, become a very big part of the pop culture discussion. We saw a wave of progress on the same-sex marriage front, as pro-equality legislation swept across the United States. Close to my home, I attended a rally in Fredericton NB, Canada, to voice outrage over the denying of women’s rights by yet another provincial/state government. 2014 saw a seeming insurgence of outrage over injustice and persecution; and people took to the blogosphere, boldly speaking out against those responsible for continuing inequality and division. We learned a lot about ourselves this year. We learned that racism is still alive and as ugly as ever, that sexism and misogyny are very real problems, that rape culture must be faced and attacked head-on, and that the fight for LGBTQ+ rights is still rather young. It has been a good year, and I am happy that we have come this far. I am happy that we are collectively learning, and that we are expanding our knowledge in the fight for what is right. I feel like more and more of us are beginning to wake up, and I’m excited to be living in a time of change … but I have mixed feelings.

I recently had a revelation about us. While quietly reflecting on the reasons for which we’re divided, it suddenly occurred to me that our arrogance has gotten us into trouble. This problem of hubris is nothing new, but the idea that we, as a society, have moved past discriminatory attitudes has become extremely problematic. While the progress mentioned above does shed light on the work still to be done, many in positions of power have this idea that things are just fine. After all, slavery has been abolished, women have the vote, and LGBTQ people are allowed to exist – what more could we want? This arrogance, that we have reached the pinnacle of human development, has opened the door for misogyny, sexism, rape culture, and racial discrimination to grow unchecked. When rape happens, when domestic abuse happens, when LGBTQ people are attacked, we often act surprised. “How could this happen in this day and age?” The answer is simple: we got cocky and thought we were past it. We thought it couldn’t happen anymore. Unfortunately, the ideas behind all of those terrible things – the very ideas that allow them to happen in the first place – have never been dealt with. We abolished slavery, but we never dealt with the reasons for thinking we could own other human beings to begin with. We allowed women into the workforce, but we never dealt with the patriarchal system that runs the show. We are arrogant, and that arrogance has blinded us to problems that are getting worse, when they should be non-existent by now. Our arrogance has gotten us into trouble. This is why I have mixed feelings, but it has also motivated me to make change in my own advocacy. It has motivated Outspoken Ally to grow.

In the new year, Outspoken Ally is going to undergo a major overhaul. My reach is small right now. Outspoken Ally has precious few readers and followers, and I cherish each and every one of you. The words written on this site have made a difference to some of you, and that means the world to me. I couldn’t ask for anything more than that, it’s precisely what I hoped for when I began. That being said, I am confident in the message, and passionate about spreading it as far as it can go. 2015 is going to see change. In 2015, Outspoken Ally will strive to become more visible and more relevant. There will be a call for writers to start what will become known as “OA Blogs,” covering issues like living Trans, women’s perspectives and experiences, coming out, and other important topics. The tag line at the top of this page will be changed, and Outspoken Ally will adopt a new motto. A YouTube channel is already in place and waiting for content, not just for talk, but to add the dynamic of music and other forms of art to the discussion. 2015 will, I hope, be a year of change and growth for Outspoken Ally, and I look forward to your companionship on that journey. Let’s engage each other, let’s be loud, let’s be active, let’s spread the message … let’s have an Outspoken New Year!

Avoiding Burn-Out

In addition to speaking at the 2013 True Colours GSA Conference last October, I also attended a workshop discussing the issue of burn-out. Now, before attending this workshop, I hadn’t even considered burn-out. I always knew it was a possibility, but I hadn’t considered the effect it may have on me. Burn-out is what happens when the pressure, negativity, constant confrontation, and energy required for advocacy and activism get to you, and you’re forced to step back to avoid a meltdown. The presenter, now a friend of mine, explained that burn-out can cause you to lose your passion, often resulting in permanently stepping back from the cause, for fear that it will happen again. Because I am devoted to helping others, enjoy confrontation, thrive under pressure, and have a tremendous amount of energy, burn-out hasn’t been a problem … until now.

I have been thanked, challenged, encouraged, attacked, and applauded for my work on social equality. I have been able to do some good for some people, and with every day I find more reason to continue. I live a busy lifestyle, though, and things tend to snowball. Every once in awhile it feels like a little bit too much, and in order to avoid burn-out, I’ve decided that it’s time for a short break. I’m going to take two weeks off from writing on outspokenally.com. I encourage all of you to continue reading of course, as there are quite a few topics covered here already, but there will be nothing new posted for two weeks (note: the Facebook page will remain active).

When I come back, it will be with a new energy. I will be exploring women’s issues a little bit more, and examining the relationships between misogyny and homophobia. I plan to discuss gender roles more often, and I will be spending more time on trans issues as well. As always, Christianity will feature in these discussions when relevant. There is a lot of ignorance still to be challenged, and if the voice of Outspoken Ally is to remain relevant, burn-out has to be avoided. For those of you who, for whatever reason, may also be feeling that a meltdown is a significant possibility, I urge you to follow this method with me. Step back, take a break, do whatever it is that you find restful; and once you have recharged your energy and passion, come back with proverbial guns blazing. Social issues need voices. We must be loud, we must be reasoned, we must be bold, and we must be thoughtful. Above all, we must be cognizant of our own limitations. We must make sure to remain healthy and energized. See you in two weeks!

Could Activism Contribute To Further Violence?

The question today is: could activism contribute to further violence toward the minority and allies employing it? We know that activism contributes to further prejudice, frustration, and resentment, and indeed that will be demonstrated, but could that boil over into increasingly violent pushback?

I was born and raised in Canada, and lived in three different provinces as a child. In my country, tensions between the Aboriginal and caucasian populations have been high ever since the first settlers arrived and began a long-standing, and currently continuing, attempt at cultural genocide against the people who were already here. It didn’t take long for the government to impose a territorial structure known as the “reservation system,” in which the caucasian ruling class designated rough and out-of-the-way areas for Aboriginal people to live in. This system ultimately inspired the infrastructure used to impose apartheid in South Africa, and the effects of the heinous crimes committed by parasitical priests in Canadian residential schools (the last of which was closed in 1989) will continue for generations to come. It is now 2014, and the Aboriginal people who live within Canadian borders have been fighting back for a number of decades. While small steps are being taken to improve the situation and honour their rightful claims to territory, the protests, blockades, and outcries for justice have given rise to further bigotry and stereotype. The actions taken by the Aboriginal population in their own defence, have contributed to a culture in which caucasian children are taught that the “natives/indians/redskins” are lazy, have no respect for property, can’t handle alcohol, are violent, dirty, and prone to engaging in criminal activity. Activism meant to protect the rights and freedoms of this particular group has also contributed to an attitude of frustration over the fact that they dare to speak up and push back against oppression.

Now, examples of how activism contributes to further scorn are not exclusive to the many Aboriginal communities in Canada. The LGBTQ community suffers further bigotry from this as well. How many times have we heard about the “gay agenda” or the “gay lobby” trying to corrupt our children, and ultimately, destroy civilization? How many times have we heard about the supposed perils of raising children in a same-sex household, or about the “slippery slope” that we may fall down if we allow same-sex marriage in the first place? How many times have we seen a smiling face in the news, only to learn that the person we are looking at has fallen victim to a brutal attack motivated by their sexual orientation or gender identity? These reactions are often spurred by the many movements popping up in the fight for social equality; and what it all translates into is “how dare they try to take our right to oppress them? How dare they fight back?” This is a dangerous attitude. Activism, while effective and necessary, must be carried out with caution.

The question of whether or not activism could contribute to further violence is complex, but our roles in the matter are simple. This is because the question depends on us. We are responsible only for our own actions, and that makes us responsible for the impact we have in this world. Whether you’re having dinner with 2 friends, or speaking in front of 200 people in a lecture hall, you have an amount of influence. How you employ your activism for your specific cause(s) will depend on your levels of education, bias, empathy, and passion, and how you react to the activism of others will depend on the same. If we all celebrate the knowledge we have, accept the knowledge we don’t have, admit our biases, work to empathize with one another, and use our passion in the spirit of honesty, violent pushback against social activism is less likely to happen. If we continue to close our ears, and in turn become agitated at the constant barrage of discussion about equal rights, privileges, and benefits, nothing will change; and the violence we are currently seeing against minority people will continue on its upward trend. Could activism contribute to further violence toward the minority and allies employing it? It already is. The real question is whether that has to continue, and the answer is a very big “NO.”